Do the People You Spend Time With Get You?
If they don't get you, maybe they shouldn't get you.
Half the time, I feel the intense disappointment of humankind (as an activist, you can’t avoid it).
The other half the time, I feel hopeful and optimistic (admittedly, it’s something I opt into).
I ride the line between recognizing that people can change while also understanding that I need to approach my messaging and change-making from a place of humility and not self-righteousness. If they can change, so can I.
On my podcast, ironically, I sort of wear the hat of the more optimistic co-host. Though I strongly believe that hope is something you can choose (it rarely comes naturally), I also understand that on a core, fundamental level, standing for something bigger than ourselves is exhausting.
And motivating. And emboldening. And it can provide a life purpose.
But it can also be tiring as hell.
That’s why we must find and foster safe spaces. If you’re an activist of any stripe—or a caregiver or service provider—this must sound familiar to you.
You cannot do it all, all the time, with no respite. And you definitely cannot be expected to do it in a silo.
You need to be able to put your feet up. You need to be able to have a close friend, partner, or family member who will be non-judgemental and fully present. You deserve to be supported and appreciated.
I wanted to write about this today in particular because it’s more and more evident to me that just as some of us are practicing spring cleaning (I just sent a large bag of donation clothes to ThredUp, which is where I also get a large portion of my wardrobe), so too must we assess our current relationships. Out with the old, in with the new.
Think for a moment about your best friend, your partner, your roommate, the whole of your inner-most social circle, or your bio-family relationship.
In order to ensure you are spending time with people who are worthy of those beautiful gifts you have to offer, ask yourself these questions:
Does this person (or people) understand the essence of who I am?
Do I feel safe with them, even when I am tired and cranky?
Do they hold space for me when I am dealing with difficult areas of my life?
Are they kind, even in conflict? Even when we aren’t seeing things the same way?
Do they have a generosity of spirit, even when I’m being crankypants because my day was challenging?
Are they emotionally mature, able to hold more than one perspective—or are they defensive and dismissive? Do they see everything from only their vantage point, or do they practice empathy?
Are they a safe place to land after a hard day? Are they engaged (asking the right kinds of questions) or do they just nod and then change the subject?
If they act unkindly, do they later own it, or do you bear the emotional burden of compartmentalizing it and then just moving on?
Is it evident that they are actively working on their self-betterment and self-growth (note: it is up to the individual only to determine the best way toward that) or do they dig in their heels, unwilling to change or grow?
How often are they curious? Gentle? Open-hearted? Vulnerable? Lovingly silly? (Not to say that these are all necessary characteristics indicative of a lifelong learner-type—and clearly, my own biases are at play even in the way I am wording that—but I find it can be useful to observe the lighter or deeper moments in those I surround myself with.)
Obviously, the opposite is true, too. We can’t expect our “people” to show up for us if we’re not doing our part. So look in the mirror and then ask yourself:
Do I understand the essence of who my friends are? Do I embrace their uniqueness? Do I act genuinely appreciative and kind?
Do they feel safe with me, even when they are tired and cranky? Do I create a safe environment?
Do I hold space for them when they are dealing with difficult things at work, in their activism, or in their personal lives?
Am I kind, even in conflict? Even when we aren’t seeing things the same way?
Do I offer a generosity of spirit, even when they are being a crankypants because their day was challenging?
Am I emotionally mature, able to hold more than one perspective—or am I defensive and dismissive? Do I practice radical empathy and understand that doing so is not the same thing as self-abandoning?
Do I genuinely feel I offer a safe place to land after they had a hard day? Am I engaged or do I just nod and then change the subject?
If I act unkindly, do I later own it, or do I let them bear the entire emotional burden of compartmentalizing it and then just moving on?
Am I working on my own self-growth with radical honesty, or am I stuck in my ways and unwilling to address my possible flaws?
How often am I curious? Gentle? Open-hearted? Vulnerable? Lovingly silly?
These can be tough but necessary questions to ask, and it’s important to do so humbly.
I cannot stress enough the value and importance, for activists especially, of having (and being) safe spaces. The more we pay attention, the more the world feels really upside-down. If you’re also an empath like I am, this—on top of the regular rigmarole of just trying to get by with the mundane demands of the day-to-day—then not having safe people around you can result in you slipping into anxiety, depression, or leave you languishing.
One thing I find easier than difficult break-ups with habits or people in my life that no longer serve me is to instead focus on filling my plate with people and habits that do.
This is something I’m mentioned before as it relates to zeroing in on the things we value, and I am given hope (and, quite frankly, relief) by the fact that rather than focusing on abandonment (queue all of our collective early-childhood abandonment issues!), I can focus instead on bringing new energy into my life. Eventually, the rest will become so unimportant that it will simply disappear. Yes, I truly believe it can be that simple.
And so, in the interest of ongoing transparency, here are some things I’d like to fill my plate with (both in terms of giving and getting). What are yours?
Gentleness
Celebration
Fundamental respect
Real connection
Humility
Radical empathy
Romance and beauty
Fun and silliness
Patience
I wish you all an inspiring week. Let’s challenge each other to observe those things around us that fill us with beauty and hope, and let those things matter more than the things (or people, or habits) that bring us down.
xo,
jazz
One Thing I’m Jazzed About
This Saturday night, I get to play someone else. Join me virtually for a staged reading of my friend Nancy Kissam’s play, Vigil. It’s hilarious and touching.
GUEST INFO:
You are invited to a Zoom webinar.
When: May 1, 2021 @ 07:30 PM PT / 10:30pm ET
Vigil Staged Reading
Please click the link below to join the webinar:
https://us02web.zoom.us/j/86452119541?pwd=TjBoYmFCMGdaV2RndUNPdzBSTnBQdz09
Passcode: 026913
A Random Thing I’d Like to Share
Thanks to everyone who tuned in last week to the Newark LGBTQ Center’s virtual gala. It was a successful, smooth event—and at the time I’m writing this, we are only about $2k shy of our $35k goal. Donations are still trickling in (you can still make them), so I’m confident we will get there.
In addition to that, every month, we host a virtual Drag Queen Bingo event, and it’s coming up this Thursday evening, April 29, from 7-9pm ET. I just got my ticket … join me!
Last month, I was so inspired by how joyous, celebratory, and connected the event was. Also, it was FUN! And hey! Those are some of my most important values and life priorities, according to my list above! Hope to see you there.