This has been a difficult lesson for me to grasp. And, as with other entries here on Jasmin’s Jargon, I’m working through this in real-time. Lucky you.
Listen to this story instead of reading it …
I recently started a position as the Weekend Edition Host and reporter for WXXI, Rochester, NY’s NPR affiliate. It is one of the hardest and most rewarding projects I’ve taken on.
Hard mainly because mastering the master control board has required a steep learning curve. Unlike some other stations in bigger cities, the hosts at WXXI (including me) are acting as hosts, producers, and (here’s the hard part) audio technicians, all at the same time.
(Hand me my caffeinated beverage.)
And I am so grateful for the opportunity to learn a skill this useful, especially at this point in my career. I remember just a couple of years ago wanting to go into public radio hosting, but feeling pessimistic about the reality of this goal, due mostly to my lack of experience on the tech side.
But there’s frequently a way forward for even our wildest goals and dreams, I am finding.
And, sure, it probably helps matters that the children I parent are non-human, giving me a bit more flexibility to work on weekends. I also recognize my many privileges that can sometimes more easily lead to dream fulfillment (I’m white, non-disabled, and cisgender, to name a few) — and so I’m certainly not going to start advocating for The Secret.
(The secret to The Secret is unearned privilege.)
Still, there’s a lot to be said about open-mindedness and vision work (imagine yourself as future-you, retroactively thinking about the goals you want to accomplish and the feelings you want to feel, then start calendaring it out).
I’m also a strong proponent of forthrightness, even though you might occasionally come across as “too much.” (Cough cough.)
But you’re not too much — you’re just the right amount! — and after you weed through the riffraff, your straightforward approach will inevitably lead you to the position you’ve always wanted.
There’s no “secret” there; it’s just an exercise in radical honesty — with yourself first, and then with some of those around you (your boss, your future boss, your mentor, your future mentor, your coach, your therapist, your partner, your cat).
But, darlings: Once you’re there — and you will get there — it won’t be all rainbows and sunshine.
Now, I am a person who hates making mistakes. I’m not sure I’ve ever thought of myself as a perfectionist, per se, but I really, really don’t like presenting work that has flaws. And while I’m not the hardest on myself, in comparison to some others I know who really beat themselves up, making mistakes does piss me off.
So, of course, I wound up in a position where any mistakes I make are being broadcast to thousands of people in real-time, including my powers-that-be.
And it’s uncomfortable.
Yes, yes, I realize that everyone makes mistakes. I hear mistakes that national radio hosts make all the time, and I don’t even think twice about it.
And since I cannot control any mistakes that happen on the air — such as whispering “dammit” while my mic was mistakenly on, or welcoming people to their Saturday when it was, in fact, Sunday — the only thing left to do is let it go.
When I lived in Santa Cruz during a particularly difficult part of my life, I had a sign that said “Let It Go” hung up on my little deck, right where I entered my studio apartment. I saw it every day on my way in and out, and I did my best to let it remind me to, in fact, let go of my angst, my big emotions about things I couldn’t control, and the illusion of control itself.
Master control. Ironic turn of phrase since control is a fallacy.
Forgetting that for a moment, during my first (and second and third and tenth) mistake on the air (none of them as big as that “dammit” moment), I held my face in my hands, practically moaning.
I hate mistakes.
But, apparently, I am human (don’t hold it against me).
After I have more practice on the air, all while pushing buttons and pulling levers and minding the clock, I am fairly confident that the mistakes will be few and further between. But I am even more confident that the mistakes won’t stop entirely.
So yet another gift I am being given at this amazing job where I get to keep thousands of people company every weekend is the gift of acceptance and forgiveness. It happened; there’s nothing I can do about it now. I must move on.
This will hopefully act as a reminder to me to extend the same generosity to myself, and others, outside of the studio.
I wish the same for you.
xo,
jazz
P.S. In addition to hosting Weekend Edition, I’m also producing a longer segment each week, which usually airs on Mondays. Here are my last few stories:
Lettuce prices are skyrocketing. Local restaurant owners are eating the cost — for now
Pit bulls have a bad rap. These advocates say it's a harmful myth about gentle, loving dogs
A new task force in Rochester is focused on the people most affected by climate change
P.P.S. Download the WXXI mobile app and tune in on weekend mornings from wherever you are!
The Matter of Making Mistakes
Thanks Jasmin. Wonderful piece. Also, great photo!
The master controller does look quite complex. :-)
Love all of this 💕 I’m trying to learn the lesson of “relax, nothing is under control.” It’s a hard one. The news stories are great ... here in MI lettuce is as much as $9 a lb at some stores. Those prices motivated me to finally buy a greenhouse so I can have homegrown greens all year.