I am an explainer, a long-email writer, a rationalizer. I have historically bent, accommodated, apologized.
And though I have worked on my boundaries endlessly—including right here on my Substack, right where you can see it—I think I’ve mostly worked on the easier parts.
Not that they were easy, per se. But they were easier than what we’re going to talk about today …
The easier parts of boundary-setting for me:
-saying no to new projects
-taking on new projects but making sure I’m clear that I can’t start them until my current ones are done
-turning on “Do Not Disturb” when I’m in the zone
-managing my responses to communications (such as on social media as well as email)
-making it very clear up-front how much time I have for a meeting and then sticking to that
The most difficult parts of boundary-setting for me:
-proactively asking for what I need, especially when I’m scared it won’t sit well with the person on the other side
-proactively taking what I need, albeit respectfully, especially when I’m scared it won’t sit well with the person on the other side
-being straightforward when someone doesn’t fulfill their part of a project or correspondence
It’s hard for me to admit that my fears with asserting my needs mostly stem back to control issues.
I don’t particularly think of myself as controlling. I can be very flexible with other people’s desires and needs.
But the controlling thing comes in because, in a way, I’m trying to control the situation by self-sacrificing and therefore attempting to control their reaction. This is also dishonest, to both myself and to the other person.
It can cause resentment and anxiety—meaning, by not being direct (and kind), and instead being hesitant to communicate, the main person I’m hurting is myself.
Relatedly, if someone else doesn’t fulfill their end of an agreement—such as not getting back to me in a fair amount of time or not handing in their part of a project—I have been known to hold onto bad feelings about that, but not be honest with the other person. Maybe they have a very good reason why but forgot to tell me, or have just been too busy with more pressing issues. Obviously, I can’t control that.
But I can control how I react, how I process my reaction, and how (or if) I communicate.
Honestly, I don’t love being put in this position. But who does?
It’s just a tall ask sometimes for me to have to address it, which is precisely the kind of thing I’m working on getting better at. To me, this pertains directly to boundary-setting, just maybe not in the way we usually think of it.
To be honest, I don’t think there’s one right way to go about this. But I do know that when it comes to setting boundaries or being direct about our needs, we should never apologize, make excuses, be passive-aggressive, or outright lie.
I have done all of the above at various times in my career. I’m not particularly proud of that.
These days, I am trying to do better for myself. I honestly think I deserve better.
To be clear, I mean to say that I deserve better than my own circuitous behavior.
I struggle so much with this particular thing that even writing this is giving me a stomachache and a lump in my throat.
The way I make this easier on myself is by being straightforward, mitigating niceties or chitchat for the most part, and not apologizing or offering excuses (real or fake) about why I need a timely reply.
I don’t need to qualify, rationalize, apologize for, or water down my email. And I don’t need to be blaming.
I can still be kind, even when I’m being straightforward.
An example of what I won’t do:
I’m sorry to bug you—and it’s honestly totally fine if you can’t get back to me anytime soon (I know you’re much busier than me)—but I wanted to see if you still were planning on collaborating with me on that letter? No worries if not, or if you need more time, but I wanted to reach out since I haven’t heard from you and you were going to get back to me last month with next steps. It’s no big deal either way, but the fact that you haven’t reached out (even though you said you would) is throwing me a bit, and I find myself unclear about whether we’re still doing this? Like I said: if we’re not, we’re not. I know I can seem a bit overbearing sometimes over email (I’m working on it, I swear!), so my sincere apologies if that’s what I’m doing here (ugh, I hate that about myself!). But I thought I’d check in. Only reply if you have time to, but do let me know so I can stop putting my other work on hold. And no worries if you still want to work on this but you need more time. I can be flexible, of course! OK, I love working with you. Big hugs.
Whoa, right?
Now, obviously that’s a giant exaggeration, but I did that by design. That cringe-worthy example includes mixed messages, passive-agressiveness, multiple apologies, self-deprecation, and way too much explanation.
Here’s another way of going:
I’m writing because I realized we’re way past our agreed-upon deadline for that letter, and now my schedule is pretty booked. Let’s revisit after the holidays. I’ll send a calendar invite. I hope all is well!
OK, confession time: Even when I was writing that fake email for you, I initially included an apology! I caught it right away, but wow does this shit run deep!
Notice that there’s no blaming, no looking backward, no unresolved questions, and (now) no apologizing. It’s friendly and straightforward and even includes a clear next step. Obviously, this situation will vary a little depending upon the circumstances, but in general, I find that this is the type of response a leader would offer.
Speaking of leadership …
In so many ways, I have nurtured my leadership.
I am a strong manager and find management to be one of the most fulfilling things I get to do. I get so much joy from helping someone find and foster their talents, skills, and interests. I love helping people with time management and healthy prioritizing.
And yet, I fully recognize that this particular type of boundary-setting is extremely hard for me, especially when I am not dealing with a subordinate.
It can be a vulnerable thing to confront a colleague or peer who is not fulfilling their end of an obligation, especially for people like me who have historically been overly accommodating and people-pleasing. I know I’m a boss bitch, but I also really value kindness and respect—and I must remember that I can accomplish both at the same time. That can be tricky for some people to pull off, but I’m up for the challenge.
Too often, I’ve noticed that boundary-setters can be hand-in-hand with harsh or biting words. Not taking this kind of thing personally is also something I could stand to work on, but to the point, I believe I can express distinct clarity while also being kind.
Consider it information
There’s another layer to this, too. Rather than toiling about how to respond, and rather than becoming emotional at the idea of setting a boundary, consider all of it information. I do this with explicit conflict, too. “Huh, that’s interesting,” I’ll think to myself, filing all of it for later.
Since part of today’s Substack appears to be about learning from past mistakes, I’ll throw this in the mix: If someone repeatedly is letting you down or not fulfilling their part of your agreement, you don’t have to work with them. You do have agency here.
This is so damn hard for me to remember! I really friggin’ like (even love) some people who I would never in a million years work with, or for. And since, like most writers, I have an ego (shocking, I know), I like being wanted. I guess that also makes me human.
But I’m getting to a point in my career where I need to reassess and elevate my criteria for what gigs I take. Which, oh my god, what an exciting moment! What a wonderful problem to have.
Anyway, hopefully some of this has been helpful to you, or has resonated. Surely it’s not just me that’s overcoming the people-pleasing disease. So many of us—especially those of us who grew up as little girls—have existed in a culture where it was our job to accommodate. This shit is deep and doesn’t get solved overnight.
I’ve considered myself to be a strong leader for years, and am only now really confronting this one piece. I probably saved it for now because of how incredibly uncomfortable this whole subject makes me.
But we’re all works in progress, and if we’re lucky, we’re giving ourselves the opportunity to continue to grow—even when we’re wincing a little as we’re doing it.
xo,
jazz
Very easy to listen too through the substance site 🙂
love it!
love you!
thank you for sharing as always!