To my friend who isn’t gentle enough with herself:
I hear you. I get that it’s hard-to-impossible to “adult” sometimes, even when we are bonafide adults—sometimes for decades already. I realize that life can be impossibly hard and disorganized and overwhelming as hell.
From time to time, it can feel so far beyond us to function with the same productivity or grace as our friends—or, at least, that’s how social media makes it seem. We know social media isn’t reflective of reality, but it still feels defeating. After all, we’re human.
Oh, we humans are so flawed. We compare and despair … or, we just despair. We criticize ourselves with the same relentlessness as a bully, never cutting ourselves any slack or giving ourselves any credit for the fact that we are still waking up every day.
It feels stupid and annoying when people suggest we be gentle with ourselves. Sometimes, we placate our friends and nod our heads, only to go back to the same exact spiraling as before.
It goes something like this: I am not good enough. I feel stupid. My decisions are mostly the wrong ones.
It can feel like you’re on a treadmill that’s always going too fast for you, and the truth is, anything would be too fast. You’re tired. Your work never seems to be enough, or good enough, and neither do you. You stay awake and cry sometimes. You don’t fall back asleep. You worry about everything.
I want you to know that I see you, I hear you, and I get you. When you talk to me, I wish nothing more than for you to see yourself the way I see you: Brilliant. Witty. Passionate. Quirky. Kind. Generous. Brave.
But I know these words are lost on you when the spiraling gets the better of you. You appreciate these sentiments, but almost as if you are hearing them through a bubble. You think I’m just being nice. You understand in ways I can’t how deep this goes for you. Words alone aren’t able to fix it.
Though you’re right that I am not in your head, or awake with you during your sleepless nights, I have been there. Right where you are. Time and time again. Feeling like burnt tofu that sticks to the bottom of the pot despite all the scraping (but enough about my cooking).
If this is where you need to be right now, then I’ll just stand beside you down here for a bit, if that’s OK.
I just want you to know you’re not alone. And I don’t judge you for having those voices that aim to keep you down. We all have had them at one point or another.
You can stop reading now if you want. Just know that I’m down here with you. Unless you want to be alone. In which case, I’ll just be in the other room for a while. But I’m still nearby.
But if you feel like continuing to read, I’ll offer a few other ideas of things that have helped me when I’ve been the stuck-on burnt tofu. These are ideas that others—including you, my dear friend—have offered me when I’ve been in that dark place, too.
And if any of these things don’t resonate with you, then that’s totally fine. Skip them. Pay them no heed.
I realize we are not the same person. I know how irksome it can feel to be told the wrong thing, especially when you’re feeling vulnerable. I don’t expect all of these tips to resonate.
But I hope at least one does. And if it doesn’t, that’s fine, too.
Try to get some sleep tonight. I usually see things much darker than they really are when I am sleep-deprived. This means we must prioritize sleep, perhaps by taking Melatonin or a trace amount of THC, getting a Bluetooth face mask and connecting it with your Calm app for some sleep stories, putting on a white noise machine, and investing in just the right pillow or mattress topper. Let’s stick with the basics that you need to find your fundamental baseline. That also includes:
Drink water. We need to make sure your body is functioning as optimally as possible. Let’s try to set some alarms for you to drink a glass of water 4-6 times today, OK? One thing I like to do is make those glasses of water little breaks in my day. Focus on nothing else but the water: the temperature, the way it feels going down your throat, the sound of the rattle of the ice cubes. If it’s not too hokey, try to imagine that this glass of water is an investment in yourself. It’s doing something wonderful for you. Just decide to believe that today.
Take a 10-minute walk outside. It can be longer if you want, but if not, let’s just focus on 10 minutes. Even just a slow meander around the block works. Play the game of “I Spy Three Things.” Though it can be any grouping of three things you want, here are some prompts, in case you can’t think of anything: Three green things. Three things that are in the breeze. Three things that have been there for at least 20 years. If your brain starts to wander, just re-focus on your three things.
Listen to music, even if it’s just one song. I know you, and I know music can sometimes be too sad or emotional, so then make it a silly song—like “Blueberry Pie” by Bette Midler. (I’m listening to that right now and it’s making me dance a little in my seat.)
Have a conversation with a younger you. I realize that you are probably rolling your eyes right now, so if you must skip this one, I won’t take it personally. But if you feel like indulging me, then: Pick an age of younger you. (For some reason, me-at-15 always feels like she needs adult-me to befriend.) Offer her some reassurance, and give her what she needs, if you can. That might be perspective on whatever it is she’s struggling with (for me, that might look like offering reassurance that she will get through all the bullying of high school and others will love her in the future). It might be that she just wants some attention, like for you to tell her she is doing great at math, or that you love the way she decorated her room. I realize this sounds a little loopy, but it can actually feel really good—even if it’s just a three-minute conversation.
Ask for help on some of the things on your schedule for this week. Maybe this means having a cleaner come in to clean your house, or arranging a meal service for a few meals this week. Maybe you need someone else to line up some appointments for you or help prioritize your deadlines that day. This will greatly vary depending upon your current set of circumstances, but I am sure there are those who would be happy to help you with one or two things to lighten the load. I’m happy to help with that.
There are many other things I can think of here that might help—such as petting a dog, treating yourself to a present you’ve had your eye on, taking a break from social media, doing affirmations even though they are dorky, stretching in your chair, planning a day off, the list goes on—but I want to start with the very basics.
I also find it’s affirming to know that so many of us have plodded through these dark moments, these overwhelming days, these confusing times, these frightening thoughts, and found our way to the other side.
I don’t say that glibly and I’m not trying to rush you at all. Be where you need to be. And know that you’re doing it exactly right. Just believe me on that one.
You are so loved and cared for. Let that lift you up, even a millimeter.
If you’re reading this and any of this feels familiar, please know that I see you.
xo,
jazz
P.S. I sit on the board for the Newark LGBTQ Center. The center is a proud sponsor of this self-defense class, which you can tune into virtually. Register here.